I think sometimes with social media we have created this level of expectation that throws all of us in a tail spin. Its everything from the constant urge to hit these milestones or look like you have it all, when in reality you can be absolutely falling apart at the seams. January has been this so far for me, really good highs and terribly low lows. I am currently falling apart, granted my lovely kitty of more then 12 years died this morning, so that doesn't help.
Having two kids two and under is tough, now I am not starting the whole competition of what is harder (I hate that when Moms start being like well I had triplets and they were colicky). I am simply saying that for me personally it is a daily roller coaster ride and a challenge. I love my babies with my whole heart but there are times that they are so close in age that I am holding two babies and wondering how I will manage, or how my amazing day care lady manages these two every day plus other kids. My babies on top of two jobs, plus keeping a house together and myself semi put together makes me often feel like it is this never ending to do list that goes on and on and on and on..... and no matter how many nights I stay up late working away, I can't seem to get ahead ever, am I alone in this?
I know people don't often talk about the expectations or even show the other side of the struggle to appear to have it all together. I don't think any of us have it all together, stay at home moms, working moms, single parents, does anyone really have it all together all the time? Yes I have brief moments of feeling like I have it all contained but then someone blows a diaper, your computer crashes and you google how one washes a pack and play clean of shit from said blow out (don't soak the mattress pad it never dries). That was my Monday. With the low lows come the great highs, on the same Monday we found out Bren got Presidents club for his work and we will be going on an all expense paid trip to Jamaica this spring.
Today was a hard one, the end of an era for us in losing Bjorn Kitty. With my infertility struggle my pets were often my fur babies and very comforting through multiple miscarriages. I knew my kitty had been struggling but I had this moment last night when the cat locked eyes with me (as he was attempting to shit in a box that he shouldn't have been) that I knew he was telling me it was time, he was ashamed and he was dying. After seeing the vet this morning and finding out he had a mass blockage (most likely a tumor that had been growing) and he was starving to death, I knew it was time to let go. Putting a pet down is never easy but I held on to his warmth for as long as I could just feeling so much gratitude for the times he warmed me and snuggled up to me when I was feeling hollow. In a strange odd way I finally feel welcomed truly into parenthood, the next stage in life. Losing both Oscar and Bjorn is letting go of a time in our lives when we lived in apartments, lived all over the US and loved these pets so fiercely. We now have grown roots in Utah and have two amazing little human beings that every day fascinate me with their growth and the little people they are becoming. Thank goodness we have our Gilles who also entertains the whole family as well with his antics.
So yes, I am falling apart at the seams. My job is hard, I wake up every morning and literally have to say to myself out loud, "you can do this" but I am learning, I am getting through it all and trying to enjoy the roller coaster ride in the meantime and slowly sewing my seams back up.
Love,
Alyssa
