I meant to write this post earlier this week after Halloween last weekend but it didn't happen until today. I had a very full circle, beautiful moment last weekend that I wanted to write about and share. Last weekend was Halloween, I have loved halloween since I was a very little girl. I would pick out my costume months in advance and I always looked forward to trick or treating at the extra spooky houses. Four years ago I had my worst halloween ever.
We had been trying to get pregnant and I had finally got a correct diagnosis from the U for my PCOS. Before we delved into a bunch of drugs they tried a very basic one that some how, some miraculous way I got pregnant from. I was waiting to get my period to start the really serious drugs (clomid) and I wasn't getting my period. I took a pregnancy test at home, it was negative. So we scheduled an appointment to discuss what was going on with my specialist. Like every single appointment he did an ultrasound. Suddenly as he started the ultrasound he says Oh my goodness, this is shocking, your pregnant. He proceeded to point out the sac, the little beginnings of our gummy bear baby and even brought in another doctor to confirm. It was a miracle, one time possibility. We were shocked, thrilled, overwhelmed and could hardly believe it. The only concern was there was no heart beat. We were told since it was still early, to come back in a week and it would probably be there.
Bren and I went to High west to celebrate, me enjoying lemonade and Bren enjoying a whiskey. I remember thinking how incredible this was, of course our miracle baby would have a heart beat and we wouldn't have to go through trials and trials to get pregnant. The next appointment was Halloween, I thought we were extra lucky because it was one of my favorite holidays.
All week I felt positive that our little miracle was growing and we shared the news with family. I have always been a firm believer its better to share the news when life begins than weeks later. I am glad I did share because I needed the support, down the road. One week later, halloween arrives and we go for our ultrasound and not only is there no heartbeat but there is no measured growth and we are prepared for a full miscarriage.
I was numb, terribly sad and shocked because it didn't seem possible we could lose what had been such a miracle. That night, adorable child after child came to door for candy. Bren gave them candy and all I could do was wonder to myself will I ever have a child to go trick or treating with?
Last Saturday was emotional for me. My Dad was in town for work and that evening four years later we put the costumes on the kids (plural kids, not kid!!!) and started up the street. Holding Quinns hand as we walked to each door and he held out his pumpkin, I got all sorts of Mama emotional. It was truly such a full circle moment to be trick or treating on one of my favorite holidays with my two beautiful babies. It was Quinn's second halloween but first one actually trick or treating. My Dad went part of the way with us and Bren came part of the way too. I was filled with so much gratitude for all that we have been blessed with. It was a tough journey getting to our family, that had more then one miscarriage and lots of trials but was worth every penny, struggle and terribly raw, hard moment. I felt like this was a fitting blog post for November because of thanksgiving and finding gratitude in the daily journey and all we are given.
Love
Alyssa
