We decided to finally share a chapter of our lives that I
have never included in this blog but many of our family and friends have been
apart of for many years. I don’t think up to this point I was ready to put it
all out there but I think the right time has finally come.
Brendan and I have been together for almost 12 years now and
married for almost 4 years. Like all couples after marriage we thought about
the next big step in life was to start a family. Throughout your whole life you
always think having kids is so easy and the minute you actually try, it will
happen. Fortunately for some people this is very true, unfortunately for us
this was not the case. Most everything else in your life you have some control
over, you go to college to get a good job, you save money for a nice house,
this was the first time we had no control at all.
After not getting pregnant for some time in Michigan there
were a lot of doctors appointments, frustrations and some missed diagnosis as
well. We lived our lives and continued on by moving to Utah. Funny enough had
we had a child by this point I don’t think we would have been able to pursue
Brendan getting his MBA here and moving to Utah.
Finally after moving
and visiting more doctors in Utah and rereading records the University of Utah
gave us some answers. We were indeed infertile and specifically linked to
myself (Alyssa) being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. With this
diagnosis of PCOS the chances of us getting pregnant without the assistance of
medications were extremely slim.
I was given some medications prior to starting a first
regiment to prepare my body for what was to come. You could imagine our
surprise when in the fall of 2011 when we went to a doctor’s appointment and he
did an ultrasound (this is pretty much standard with every infertility
appointment, I have had well over 100) and told us we were actually pregnant
without any of the serious medications. We were shocked and delighted, of
course this was going to work out, we weren’t going to need anything more! The
doctor wanted us to come back in a week just to verify a heartbeat and all was
well. Being the usual optimistic us we were positive that finally our prayers
were being answered. On Halloween a week later we were devastated when we
returned and there was no heartbeat and the pregnancy was not progressing at
all. Another week passed and the pregnancy was deemed unviable and the
miscarriage proceeded. I don’t quite know how to describe the place we were in
our lives at that point, I think I became numb to it all, and my poor husband
was helpless. You hear all these stories from women at how common it is
especially for a first pregnancy and not to be discouraged, it wouldn’t happen
again.
After healing we picked ourselves up and tried again. We never
had the same success as we did that very first surprise but we started
experimenting with lots of different fertility drugs and combinations. Anyone
who has experienced this knows between all of these factors it is a consuming
journey. Also none of these doctors
appointments are covered by insurance, money becomes tight as well. You see why
some marriages cannot survive infertility unless you have a sense of humor
about the whole thing and can try to lighten things up. So I occasionally
became the incredible hulk with Brendan laughing at me saying “ALYSSA
SMASH”.
Finally in March of 2012 we found out we were pregnant
again. I went in to do the blood work and everything was on track. My numbers
doubled in 48 hours and everything looked like this was happening. We thought
for sure this was our pregnancy because most women don’t have two miscarriages
in a row. Being as positive as we were we told all of our family and friends
and celebrated. Less then a week later, I had miscarried again…
We were shocked, horrified and so very angry. I was in a
very dark place with bitterness to why this journey was happening this way and
why this was happening to us. Like all
people you can sit there and bemoan your bad luck or cross to bear but at some
point you need to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Lucky for us
between friends, faith, coworkers and family we were able to do this. A lot of
hot, angry tears were spent at this point and frustrations at why us but I
guess why not us, right?
Two miscarriages put me in a different category and also
diagnosed with the possibility of reoccurring pregnancy loss. We tried again
for a few more months before taking some time off to allow my body to reset. We
tried again and I literally quite responding to any pill form of medications. I
was on the highest legal dose possible (you know it is high when the pharmacist
will not fill it without calling your doctor to verify it is correctly
written). Nothing happened.
It was time for a
more expensive road by switching from pill medications to injectable
medications. Not only are injectables liquid gold (usually between $300 and
$500 a vial, you usually need more then one vial) but has to be monitored extremely
closely with a lot of pay-out-of pocket doctor’s appointments. You usually see
the doctor for an ultrasound 3 to 5 times per round to get everything timed
just right. The first round everything looked on track but we didn’t get
pregnant and we decided to up the medication dose slightly and try again. The
second round was a nightmare and my body over responded, everything was halted
and the whole round canceled. We were devastated because it was literally like
watching a pile of cash being thrown out a window. So we adjusted the
medication and tried for the third and final round at the end of April.
So, here we are into July and we are PREGNANT! Many prayers
have been answered because this sweet baby has a strong heartbeat and we have
finally made it through first trimester. We are due on January 22nd
2014 and everything so far has been on track. Still cautious as ever but we
think we might be finally getting our take home baby to start our family.
I wanted to share this chapter in our lives because I know
that there are a lot of other couples out there who have experienced similar
journeys to us and I think it is important to take the shame out of infertility
and miscarriages and let them know they are not alone. Every time you see
pregnancy announcements on Facebook you are always so excited for the couple
and would always wish the best for them but there is this longing for your own
situation and journey and sometimes it is nice to know there are others on this
journey as well and it will all work out.
Love,
Brendan, Alyssa and Baby White
